Its been so very Long

And life has changed so very much. Reality is a lot different then it used to be. Life has wiped my ability to enjoy the things I used to do, I haven't scrapped or crafted in ages ( though I had a layout in the previous months SBM and I had 2 in the masters mag), I dont feel like baking, though I try and without these things in my life I just feel sort of lost. Im not sure how to fill my days without hobbies.

And while there have been moments of pure Joy ( , christmas, a new nephew, my mothers visit, Easter and my boys turning 2,6 and recently 12, ) they seem to get lost in an ocean of misery

I have surfed through and am on the tail end of a return to my anxiety disorder, which totally controlled my life for a while there. While it did also return depression for a bit — it was only very mild and not the huge soul breaking cloud I have been through before

My children have been sick more times then I can count — esp. in the last month.

My beautiful BIL has recently been diagnosed with a brain tumor, one the doctors say will kill him and this esp. is changing my life so many ways. My husbands heart is breaking each day — his families heart is breaking each day

And on the 26th of January my beautiful friend lost her baby — half an hour after it was born at 34 weeks on Australia day.

The same day I conceived my beautiful bean.
During all this craziness I have been given a gift that is helping me through,
A little girl ( well apparently, we will see if it stays the same at the next ultrasound)
Due in October.

Ps thanks for the emails — etc asking if all was well, Im so sorry I haven't replied, I just haven't had the words.

P.P.s I realise this is a very misery guts post and im sorry. I am having a dwelling morning.


Leanne J said...

hi Sarah.. i think that you are very very brave for sharing your story with us... and i thank you for it.. i know peeps will tell you but you'll get through this and i hope your little bean will bring some joy into your lives.. my heart goes out to your BIL and your family.. live each day.
sending your lots of love an sugar..lj

Chloe :-) said...

Oh Sarah, things sound so tough and I think you are so brave for sharing. Thinking of you and your family at this time. Wonderful news of your little one ... wishing you all the best and more :-)

teresa said...

I'm so very glad to hear from you, though also sad to hear the hell you've been through and are going through. My heart goes out to you and your family and I hope you know you ARE strong enough to get through this. Enjoy your little bean growing inside you and know that you have friends out here that think of you and wish you nothing but the very best. xx

Kate said...

great to 'see' you Sarah, i feel so sad for all the hurt you have been through over the past few months. :( congrats though on your pregnancy, take it easy and try and get some rest, the crafting and baking can wait xox

Cathy said...

Hi Sarah, I am so sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time at the moment and my heart goes out to you and yours. You don't need to apologize sometimes it helps to share your thoughts. So happy to hear the wonderful news of your little bean.. enjoy your little ray of sunshine and look after yourself!! Sending you big squeezy hugs xo

Lorna May said...

Sarah.. what a tough time.
Sorry can't help ease your pain so sending (virtual) hugs and choc.
You're not a misery guts you're very brave to share what's happening perhaps you should more just to vent your anger, hurt and pain.


Mandy said...

Hey girl...life happens and I know how you feel...but a little bean....how amazing...habg in there...hugs to you...xxx

Inda Nila said...

Be encouraged!!!! Joy comes in the morning!!! I can certainly relate, sometimes I am bubbling over with joy and others not so much. Keep your head up!!!!!!

aussiescrapper said...

Oh Sarah, I am so sorry to hear about all the devasating things in your life, I pray for your little bean, I have missed you so much, blogger prevented me from commenting earlier, if you need me, although I have been through the darkest lows of depression myself and know this is sometimes not an option you are capable of, just think of your dear little one, the end can come, I miss you and think of you often. MElxx

Ceci said...

What a very difficult time for you and your loved ones...but happy news re the baby due, congratulations. x

glorygirl said...

Praying for the God of peace to comfort you. When reading your story, I immediately thought of the author, Ann Voskamp. She struggles with anxiety disorder and shared about it here http://www.aholyexperience.com/?s=anxiety

Maybe that will help a bit? Take care!